The RT Chronicles

I'm switching to my Blogger.















http://ronniethegreat.blogspot.com

i miss having a texting buddy. not that i dont text any of my regular friends. i just miss having that one single person that i can talk to all day long in short bursts. and then all night till either one of us falls asleep. i've had a couple within the last year, but now i dont have one and it sucks. i hate feeling like ive lost touch with people i used to consider so special. well, i'll always consider them special. i just wish i talked to them all

So I'm pretty excited that this whole podcast thing is actually taking off. We've hit a few speed bumps and haven't posted every Monday like we planned, but we are actually keeping at it. I was afraid that we might lose steam after the first few but we are actually more motivated than we were before. We made our facebook page and within the first two days we already have a good amount of fans and it isn't stopping there. Everytime I check up on it there are at least 4 more people that became fans. If you have a facebook please become a fan of us. I'm also really excited that Krownz' girlfriend and our longtime friend Michelle is working on a few sketches of us in cartoon/anime form. I'm super stoked to start incorperating her original artwork into the look of RoyalEdgeFM.

The only thing I'm kind of bummed on is that I have become so aware of how often I cuss while recording. I've decided to cut back a bit. Not completely stop, just tone it down so that I don't sound like a Jersey Shore D-bag.

For some reason, I can't explain why, I've been so content lately. I feel like the main character from the movie Office Space as of late. Like, nothing has really changed, if anything things have gotten worse. Yet, I don't seem to care about. About anything. I don't want to call it apathy. Apathy sounds so.... negative. I guess, I've been taking things in stride. Rolling with the punches and not letting life get me down. I'm laughing to myself as I write this because I'm at such a loss for words on how hard this is for me to explain. I mean, even when I set out to write this I told myself that I was going to write something for the sake of updating, but even then the only thing I could think to write about was that I don't hate anything currently. I dunno. I feel weird. Is something really horrible going to happen soon? I mean, in retrospect, some really horrible things have already happened, but like in the movie I seem to be in some sort of trance that doesn't allow anything to bring me down really.

So we started a podcast last week. So far it's been a really fun project and I'm eager to continue it. The podcast itself is generally focused on most things considered nerdy - video games, technology, and anything relevant to us that we decide to talk about. We have so much fun recording the actual podcast. I think most of my group of friends are funny people, so putting them together in a room with a microphone and talking about things we enjoy turns out some pretty good material. Our current podcasts are up on our Audioboo profile at the moment. We have three so far, one being a rant that is separate from the actual podcast. You can follow our Twitter account to get updated when we do upload a new one. So far the plan is to do at least one every monday night and then if need be a few more throughout the week.

Also I have utilized podcasting into my music blog. I have always wanted to do a podcast for that but never really knew how up until yesterday. I was looking into cheap alternatives to buying a bunch of equipment to record a podcast for our Royal Edge show and I came across Audacity. It's a free program that uses any input to record. It's cool cause you can add music and it has a lot of nice effects that can be used well. After fooling around with it I figured out how to edit stuff and move things around I ended up making my first podcast or the music blog. I'm really excited for these projects. Look into them if you have time to kill. The Royal Edge podcast is really funny and my RTChronicles podcast is definitely worth listening to if you read my posts anyway.

I am not a shitty person. Robby called me a shitty person yesterday while we were working. It started out as a joke but when I was adamant in defending my own honor he soon realized that he was going to have to actually justify his claim. I try my best to do good for other people. I try my best to help out and be there when needed. I don't do it for recognition and I don't do it to win over people's hearts. I like helping people. That's that. It helps me feel important. I don't steal, I don't kill, I don't rape. I have done some shitty things in my life but never would I ever consider myself a bad person. I think my good outweighs my bad. I'm not a shitty person.

My biggest problem is that I've been reflecting way too much lately. I have been bringing up old memories that I found out I still have a hard time dealing with. It sucks that it's true, but fuck... It's true. Maybe it's just because I've been wanting someone to share my life with more than ever. I feel like I tend to tantalize myself with chances of potential connections but it never seems to work. So what happens is that I watch something or listen to something that reminds me of all the girls I've ever been close to and then it just feeds that fire of loneliness even more and I come crashing down on myself.

As I said in my previous entry, my greatest enemy is myself. I have very little self-esteem and tend to try to hide that as best as possible. I put up fronts to try to be someone people enjoy having around but I end up just hurting myself even more. But you see when there is a girl that is in my heart I push myself to do better. I push myself to be a better person. That's what I need. I don't need a girlfriend to go on dates with and cuddle with. I need a girl that will inspire me to be a better person. Give me a reason to live up to these standards I have set for myself. Become something she can be proud of. I know I can't do it on my own free will. I need that push.

I am my own worst enemy. I beat myself up and I bring myself down for no reason. It's like I won't let myself be happy. What the hell is wrong with me? There has to be some name for this. I constantly remind myself of how badly I've ruined anything that I've ever cared about. I constantly remind myself of how badly I've fucked my life up. Everything I watch is like a punch to the gut. Every song I listen to is like a kick across the mouth. I'm tired of trying to be this fucking carefree guy that has all the jokes. I am tired of lying to myself. FUCK! What the hell is wrong with me? I want to put my head through a wall. The truth is I'm so fucking fake. I'm the least honest person I know. I can't tell when I'm lying and when I'm telling the truth. I don't know what I believe about myself. I lie to myself about my feelings and try to convince myself that way but in the end it just leaves me empty and confused with no real answer. I want to find out how fast I stop when I hit a street post with my car. I want to find out how long I can hold my breath for under water till I finally give out.


How can I expect happiness when I can't get over any of my problems. Rather than work at them to make them better I just lay in my own shit and do nothing about it. Everything I do just ends up making things worse. I ruin people's lives by just being involved with theirs. Every day I lie to people I talk to. Every day I let my friends down without them even knowing it. Every day I make myself sick...




I hate how I feel like people will think I'm just looking for attention. I know I'm having a little pity party but I'm not looking for comfort. I'm not asking you to give me a hug. I don't really want to talk about it. I just needed to tell something or someone and I'll never be man enough to tell anyone face to face. That's the whole reason why I blog. I say things that I normally don't say. Even now though I hide the complete raw truth out of fear of it being known. I still hide my feelings. I still hide...

Yesterday I realized how vain I am. I was watching a funeral scene and for some reason my heart strings were plucked. It make me think about how my funeral will be. It made me think that if I go to war like the soldier on the show that I might die an honorable death. That I would make my friends and family proud. I guess I just feel like I need to feel important. Thats what makes me feel alive. I have this feeling that I'm going to do young and I accept that as a reality and a future but, I don't know... I feel weird when I think like that. Like, I want to die so that I can be important or something. I don't hate myself or my life, for the most part at least. I mean it's not like I am in despair or just want to get this over with. I'm not trying to kill myself. I just want to be important. It seems like the younger you are when you die the more important it is. But I guess another thing I am afraid of is not having anything to show for in life. Fuck.

I couldn't say. I've done a lot of crazy stuff. I've sacrificed a lot. I've also taken a lot so I'm not sure. I mean, there's different aspects to it. One being sacrifice. Sometimes you have to sacrifice a lot for love. Even if it doesn't seem like anything special to everyone else, if it means something to the person letting go of it it's a big deal. And even then there are different aspects of sacrifice. I mean, once I ditched a Soul Calibur 4 tournament to make sure my ex got to LA safe and sound. Sure it doesn't seem like a big deal but entering a sanctioned Soul Calibur tournament has always been a dream of mine. But in the end I went to LA instead because she was afraid of riding the train by herself since there had been a train wreck since the last time she had done it. That was self-sacrifice for someone else's happiness. Another aspect is when I broke up with one girl because I had a crush on another. I didn't see it fair to keep things going with her when I was set on someone else so I broke up with her. That was sacrificing her happiness for my own. I took a gamble and let go of something that was for sure when I was betting with something that was a maybe. But it was something I had to do for myself.

Another aspect of doing something crazy for love is just that; doing something crazy. I mean, some of the stuff people do is simple just crazy. I once drove 3 hours to see a girl in the middle of the night just because I knew it was what both of us wanted. Also when it comes to love, there are no rules that keep me bound. I swear I break all the rules for a girl I love. I've stolen my parents car and their money just to see a girl. I've ditched work, school, and my friends. Just something you can't explain other than being crazy.